Maury confirms mother's suspicions, "You ARE the Father!"

June 25, 2011

NEW YORK CITY-  Tuesday afternoon, the questions surrounding the paternity of 2 year old Julian Waters were finally answered.  Before results were revealed, the supposed father, Donald Meyers, was welcomed into the confrontation by overwhelming "boos", "hisses", and the occasional "thumbs down gesture."  Mr. Meyers almost seemed to revel in the spotlight but his mood quickly changed when the leader of the confrontation, Maury Povich had him sit down next to the woman bringing forth the charge that Mr. Meyers was the father of her child.  Before being seated, Mr. Meyers insisted that he move his chair a significant distance away from Chauntell Waters, Julian's mother.  The confrontation proceeded and Ms. Waters stated her case against Mr. Meyers who continually denied the accusations of being Julian's father.  Mr. Meyers claims that "she been sleeping wit at least 6 other guys at da time, there ain't no way dats ma kid."  After making this statement, a side by side picture of Julian and Mr. Meyers was projected behind them which prompted Ms. Waters to go the screen and point out how Julian's and Mr. Meyers' eyes closely resembled each other.  Mr. Meyers neither confirmed nor denied the similarities between the picture.  Mr. Povich continued with his line of questions by asking, "What he plans to do if he is the father?"  Mr. Meyers replied that, "It don't matter none, cuz da kid ain't mine."  Mr. Meyers  continued to say that Ms. Waters was "justa one night stand."  A hush fell over the crowd as Mr. Povich revealed the infamous manila envelope that has decided the fate of so many men before Mr. Meyers. 

        The envelope was opened and Mr. Povich kept his face rigid to keep from revealing any clues about the results.  After that, the words were spoken that Mr. Meyers will never forget, "In the case of 2 year old Julian, Donald, you ARE the father!"  Ms. Waters immediately sprung from her chair to taunt Mr. Meyers, to which Mr. Meyers replied with, "Aww shit."  The crowd celebrated as the taunting continued.  Ms. Waters was restrained for a moment to thwart any physical encounter between the two.  As the crowd settled, Mr. Meyers said that he would "man up and take responsibility for da kid."  Mr. Povich thanked everyone for being a part of this momentous day and welcomed them back tomorrow when they will be exposing teen whores who are mad at their mothers.

Bank patrons question integrity and quality of last free cookie

June 12, 2011

DENVER-  Local customers of Chase bank on 13th and Broadway were presented with quite a predicament last Thursday afternoon when they walked in to see one last remaining cookie that the bank had provided.  Customer's were seen eyeing the cookies and debating on whether to take the cookie or not.  Frederick Katz was at the bank to make, what should have been, a simple deposit, but Mr. Katz took about 5 minutes staring at the cookie.  "The cookie had a few places where it was missing some pieces and it was hard for me to tell if that was just regular wear and tear or....something else."  Mr. Katz had just finished lunch and thought that a cookie would be the perfect finisher.  "I just had eaten down the street at Mickey D's and didn't have time for desert, but in the end I wasn't willing to take the risk."  Wendy Patterson who was in to make a transfer and took no time making her mind up.  "Listen, I've got kids and I know that they put their grubby little hands on everything.  I guarantee you there has been at least 2 or 3 set of kids that picked up the cookie and the mom made them put it back, not a doubt in my mind."  As of close time, the cookie still remained on the plate.  

Wile E. Coyote announces his retirement from chasing Roadrunner.

June 4, 2011

Wile E. Coyote is calling it quits after all these years.

THE DESERT- After 62 years of being on the chase, Wile E. Coyote announced the he is giving up on catching the Roadrunner and moving on to new endeavors.  Mr. Coyote held a press conference on Friday afternoon and let the public know that he would no longer be pursuing Roadrunner.  The mood was rather somber as this has been Mr. Coyote's life since he can remember.  Mr Coyote insists that this in no way has anything to do with him never catching Mr. Roadrunner, he is just "tired of the same old shit."

Reporters asked Mr. Coyote to comment on some of his most favorite attempts.  "The one that I thought would really get him is when I painted the fake tunnel on the mountainside.  I planned that one out for a week and thought it would be pretty cut and dry; Roadrunner would come screaming down the road and run right into the side of the mountain, no problem.  Well I'll be damned if he didn't run right through the thing.  Then I go to check what went wrong and promptly get run over by a Mack truck. "  "Then there was always the time when I'd put myself in a bow and I'd be the arrow and I'd launch my self at him and then we'd come to  a curve and he would make the turn and I would sail off the cliff."  Mr Coyote also spoke about some of his not so proud moments as well.  "Let's face it, sometimes, i just got desperate, ya know, pushing a rock off a cliff or dynamite, it was getting late in the day and I just was at the end of my wits."  He then went on to talk about his most memorable attempts.  "Seems like more often than not, I would end up with a rocket strapped to my ass, the old tricks are the best tricks, know what I mean?  No matter how many times I'd miss him with the rocket, I still went back to that, but thankfully, those days are behind me know."

Mr. Roadrunner attended the press conference and spoke with us after the announcement.  "I feel bad for the guy, really I do, but what would he have me do?  God knows there's been times when he almost had me or when I just felt sorry for the guy.  I mean you do have to hand it to the guy, he is one persistent S.O.B.  I am just glad he's decided to stop beating himself up, I think it's finally caught up with him."

When asked what Mr. Coyote would do with his new found free time, he was at a loss for words.  "This has pretty much been my life for the past 60 some odd years.  I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and try to convince myself that today is the day.  A man can only fool himself for so long.  When I look back on things, I'm not sure what I was thinking.  I think I was bored one day and started going after him and then the next thing I know, I wake up a 60 years off my life are gone because of that one bird, damn that Roadrunner.  And I mean he's only got about two bites of meat on him, he's a skinny fucker, didn't really think about that."  It seems as if Mr. Coyote will struggle with finding new ways to use his time.  

At the end of the conference, Mr. Coyote was seen unwrapping a new pair of roller skates and an Acme Rocket and saying he was going to "give it one last shot, just for old times sake."  

Osama bin Laden's sons feeling pressure of taking over the biz.

May 30th, 2011

Omar bin Laden, 30 year old son of Osama bin Laden

ISLAMABAD- With it being almost a month since al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was killed in a raid by U.S. Navy SEALs on his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, his sons are feeling the pressure to take over the family business.  "We thought for sure that they would never get dad," Omar bin Laden said of the fact that it took nearly 10 years for him to be finally tracked down.  "We thought once he hit the decade mark, it would be all down hill from there."  But now with the vacancy left by Osama's death, there has now been added pressure from inside the organization to take over their father's position.  "Of course it was always dad's dream for me to inherit the family business and plan more elaborate attacks on the U.S. and to bring down the infidel, you know, what every father dreams of for his sons really."  Omar bin Laden says that he was never to keen on his father's plans though.  "DId dad ever ask me what my dreams were?  Not a chance, seemed like whenever I tried to talk to him, he was looking at some blueprint of a building to blow up or flight plans of planes over the U.S.  He said he really wanted to take me out and sit down and talk, but it seemed like he had bigger things going on."  

Even though Omar bin Laden has not shown too much interest in assuming the role, he has not totally dismissed the idea yet.  "Of course I think about all the upsides.  Anytime your buddies film you on home video, it ends up on the BBC, CNN, NBC etc.  Always getting to have the best seat in the cave, a few extra wives.  Don't get me wrong, these things are all good, I'm just not sure if I want it all."  

With pressure mounting for Omar to take over, al-Qaeda said they are willing to give him some more time if necessary.  Ayman al-Zawahiri al-Qaeda Deputy Operations Chief said, "God knows I wouldn't want to be in his shoes right now.  I mean if your dad was Osama fucking bin Laden, you can't just roll outta bed and be ready to replace him.  I mean come on, # 1 on the FBI's most wanted list for almost 10 years!  You don't just get there by making empty threats, you've really gotta earn that."

Omar bin Laden said that he will have his decision soon, but told al-Qaeda leaders to not get their hopes up.  "I don't wanna burn any bridges here, but I've gotta do what's best for me, I've gotta do what's best for Omar."  

Al-Qaeda said that they would be disappointed if Omar did not accept the role, but by the end of July, they will start posting the job on monster.com and are prepared to hire from the outside if necessary.