Wile E. Coyote announces his retirement from chasing Roadrunner.

June 4, 2011

Wile E. Coyote is calling it quits after all these years.

THE DESERT- After 62 years of being on the chase, Wile E. Coyote announced the he is giving up on catching the Roadrunner and moving on to new endeavors.  Mr. Coyote held a press conference on Friday afternoon and let the public know that he would no longer be pursuing Roadrunner.  The mood was rather somber as this has been Mr. Coyote's life since he can remember.  Mr Coyote insists that this in no way has anything to do with him never catching Mr. Roadrunner, he is just "tired of the same old shit."

Reporters asked Mr. Coyote to comment on some of his most favorite attempts.  "The one that I thought would really get him is when I painted the fake tunnel on the mountainside.  I planned that one out for a week and thought it would be pretty cut and dry; Roadrunner would come screaming down the road and run right into the side of the mountain, no problem.  Well I'll be damned if he didn't run right through the thing.  Then I go to check what went wrong and promptly get run over by a Mack truck. "  "Then there was always the time when I'd put myself in a bow and I'd be the arrow and I'd launch my self at him and then we'd come to  a curve and he would make the turn and I would sail off the cliff."  Mr Coyote also spoke about some of his not so proud moments as well.  "Let's face it, sometimes, i just got desperate, ya know, pushing a rock off a cliff or dynamite, it was getting late in the day and I just was at the end of my wits."  He then went on to talk about his most memorable attempts.  "Seems like more often than not, I would end up with a rocket strapped to my ass, the old tricks are the best tricks, know what I mean?  No matter how many times I'd miss him with the rocket, I still went back to that, but thankfully, those days are behind me know."

Mr. Roadrunner attended the press conference and spoke with us after the announcement.  "I feel bad for the guy, really I do, but what would he have me do?  God knows there's been times when he almost had me or when I just felt sorry for the guy.  I mean you do have to hand it to the guy, he is one persistent S.O.B.  I am just glad he's decided to stop beating himself up, I think it's finally caught up with him."

When asked what Mr. Coyote would do with his new found free time, he was at a loss for words.  "This has pretty much been my life for the past 60 some odd years.  I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and try to convince myself that today is the day.  A man can only fool himself for so long.  When I look back on things, I'm not sure what I was thinking.  I think I was bored one day and started going after him and then the next thing I know, I wake up a 60 years off my life are gone because of that one bird, damn that Roadrunner.  And I mean he's only got about two bites of meat on him, he's a skinny fucker, didn't really think about that."  It seems as if Mr. Coyote will struggle with finding new ways to use his time.  

At the end of the conference, Mr. Coyote was seen unwrapping a new pair of roller skates and an Acme Rocket and saying he was going to "give it one last shot, just for old times sake."